Don’t Let Others Take Your Voice Away

The act of “ghosting” or in other words, disappearing from someone’s life suddenly, is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to poor communication and bad etiquette. With so many people having easy access to connect with others through the internet, it has become a common platform for people to engage in bad behavior that they normally would be less inclined to do when interacting directly in person. This includes unwanted sexual harassment, intimidation, manipulation, hostility, inappropriate jokes, etc. Such behavior is not new to human kind, but minimal consequences in the virtual world makes it easier for people to avoid taking accountability. People can delete or block you without having to explain themselves. Some people even justify that no one owes you anything because you are just another person they met or briefly chatted with.

This toxic culture has caused people to become more anxious and hesitant to trust others because they have been hurt or lied to far too many times. It has become the new norm and while people try to overcome the unpleasant encounter or interaction by moving on to meet new people, the worries of opening up to others have become increasingly hard. Of course, there is nothing wrong to take time to get to know a person to determine if he/she is trustworthy, but so many people have simply brushed off people’s bad behavior that they convince themselves to accept it as a part of life. It’s true that we have no control over people’s behavior, but that doesn’t mean we can’t voice ourselves to set limits on what people do to us.

Many years ago, when I was a college student, I volunteered at a local non-profit organization working as a crisis line counselor. Besides getting calls from callers who are in distress or needing resources and brief consultation, I also cross paths with obscene callers. Most of the volunteers including me would hang up without saying anything, but these callers would eventually call back. They are so persistent that all the volunteers know approximately which days and times they would call. One day the director who trained us suggested that we should confront them that it is inappropriate to call a crisis line to harass counselors. So, each of us use that script when these people call and to our surprise, these callers would hang up on us and gradually the calls stopped. What does this indicate? It shows that callers are more likely to push boundaries and call again when they are not confronted about their inappropriate behavior.

Though the script was helpful, we were also lucky that the obscene callers disconnect themselves on the other line rather than reacting with verbal aggression. Speaking up may not always be so smooth. It is not always easy to confront or set boundaries because people are scared that they may aggravate the other person or make the situation worse. Because people fear confronting abusers directly, they use social media to tell their stories and experiences as a way to expose the abusers’ wrong doing; but the internet does not keep abusers away. In response to the disclosure, abusers try to defend themselves by threatening or cyber-bullying, whether alone or with their enablers. With that, some abused survivors feel a sense of self-doubt, shame, guilt, and maybe remorse for posting anything at all.

Take for instance the recent case of a 20-year-old UC Berkeley student, Nicholas Zhao, and his alleged sexual abuse and assault towards numerous female college students. Over 20 survivors came forth to report him after numerous accusations started circulating on social media. There were postings showing texts he sent to his friends justifying his actions after he repeatedly violated boundaries and tried to reason that the women he abused were playing hard to get. When one of his friends told him that “no means no,” his response led to more defenses. Many women he had abused acknowledged that they did not speak up or report him before because they were confused, scared, and simply too traumatized to deal with this person again. The lack of exposure has unfortunately enabled him to continue to abuse, threaten, and assault others. It wasn’t until earlier this year that the survivors took the courage to let their voices be heard after more and more people posted their stories on the internet. Even if one voice is not loud enough to be heard, it can create a ripple effect to spread awareness and encourage other voices to come together to expose the abuser.

Now what about bystanders? Do they for a split second know that something is not right? Probably; and logically speaking, bystanders could step in to try to stop the abuse, but what if you are only left with your own voice to speak up? In 1974, a performing artist named Marina Abramovic performed a social experiment called “Rhythm Zero” to test the extremity of human behavior in a public exhibition that lasted 6 hours. In those 6 hours, she stood in front of a crowd as a still object, allowing the audience to do anything to her until the 6 hours ended. In front of her is a table with 76 different objects to use to give pleasure or inflict pain. Some of the objects include a rose, perfume, wine, grapes, scissor, metal bar, knife, and a gun with one loaded bullet. In the beginning, people stood around and did nothing, but people gradually went to the table and picked out objects to use on her. One person placed a rose in her hand, another would go up to kiss her, but as time passed, the audience got more violent. They cut her clothes and used sharp objects to cut her skin. She was carried around, placed on the table, and one even placed a gun in her hand pointing it towards her temple. While some people did not participate, no one came up to stop the violence. When 6 hours passed, she began moving again and no one in the crowd were able to face her. She was bleeding from physical injuries. People left as if nothing happened.

This performance demonstrated several things about human behavior. One is that anyone can be objectified and people are more likely to push limits when you stay silent. Two is that you cannot place responsibility in the hands of bystanders. Three is that you are not as helpless as you think you are even in the most difficult situations because the power to fight back is within you. People who say or do things to hurt others struggle to face their wrong doing, so they avoid confrontation because it mirrors their bad behavior. What they fear most is getting exposed. So as much as you are afraid to trust others or get hurt again, these people are just as afraid to trust you because you have the power to walk away and let everyone know their true character.

Next time if someone disrespects you, gives you a backhanded comment, “ghosts” you, intimidates you, pushes your boundaries, or make you feel uncomfortable in any way, remind yourself that you have a gift. That gift is your voice. Know that you have every right to tell them that what they did hurts you and that it is unacceptable. If you have ever been guilty of doing anything hurtful to others whether consciously or unconsciously, take a moment to digest what you just read; and start treating others with respect and kindness. My final two cents is: don’t do what you don’t want others do to you.

For more details about Marina Abramovic’s “Rhythm Zero” performance, please search TED talk on “Rhythm Zero” on youtube.