How Loneliness Makes You Stay for the Wrong Reasons

Humans are naturally social beings. Even from the day that we are born, we seek comfort from our caregivers to form secure attachment which is an essential part of development. No matter which stage in life, people seek romantic relationships, companionship, or friendships because having unconditional love and support from the people around us is what makes us feel fulfilled.

But what happens when you start to question what the future holds in your relationship? Have you ever been in a relationship that starts to feel like autumn leaves about to fall off its branch? Does the feeling of being alone or having to let go of your partner starts to make you wonder if you are going to drown in sorrow or regret?

Many people are in unhealthy relationships when they choose to hold on to something “tangible” rather than letting go of what they perceive as a hope for change. Since the beginning of the pandemic, many couples started to slow down and reflect on existing issues in their relationships. Conversations about compatibility issues, communication problems, feelings of mistrust, or hesitance to proceed to the next stage arise as people start to take a closer look at where they stand in their relationship.

When the lock down lasted for a good portion of 2020, many begin to feel the increasing anxiety of never going to meet “the one” or they feel alone in their relationship, but continued to stay because they do not want to end up alone in an already isolated time. Yet, being together does not promise a meaningful relationship nor does it miraculously make all existing issues disappear on its own. It takes motivation and commitment from both sides to find ways to overcome the little bumps along the way.

If you are working harder than your partner, it’s time to reflect on your values and if your needs can ever be met by your significant other. Investing all your time and energy on a person who is not willing to change can lead to exhaustion and resentment down the road. If on the other hand, both you and your partner are avoidant, but deep down inside you start to question if the relationship will ever work out, ask yourself if you are willing to wait and live the same way for the months and years ahead. Reflect on what is holding you back from letting go of a relationship that makes you feel like you are living a separate life from your partner.

Surely, the thought of letting go can be daunting because you may have shared wonderful times with your other half and there is no doubt that everything will run smoothly as long as things can get back to where it was. Things can take a very different turn if both people are willing to try to bring back that spark that once started it all. But if you are in a relationship when you are not listened to when you confront your partner, are being gas-lighted, ignored, confused, anxious; or your partner threatens to leave you, then it’s time to think about if staying in this relationship is causing you to feel worse about yourself versus being on your own two feet.

Contrary to this, if you are making your partner stay, but you are not willing to compromise, it’s time to think about if you truly want to spend your life with this person or if you’re filling a void to battle loneliness. Save yourself from dealing with the anxiety and pressure to change if you are unsure of what you want for you and your partner. Everyone enjoys the comfort of having someone to go to or cared for especially in times of uncertainty, but a solid, healthy relationship is not only about what you want or receive from your partner.

For those who are seeking relationships, it is important to explore if you are ready or if your potential partner is on the same page as you. If you are reading this, remind yourself that you are a valuable individual that deserves only the very best from the other person and settling for a person who is making you fill in an empty slot will not give you what you hope for in a long lasting, healthy relationship. Be mindful that you cannot change the other person and it should not be your responsibility to be a “fixer” when you start a relationship. You cannot complete your life with someone who you think will be “the one,” because that person was never the solution to the loneliness and emptiness you feel.

On a separate note, survey shows that the percentage of domestic violence cases reported increased significantly during the lock down. If you are in an abusive relationship or unsure if you are in one, please reach out to your loved ones for support. For professional help, please contact your local domestic violence resource center or call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).