The Rise of “Almost” Relationships - Part 2
In part 1 of this blog series, I talked about what “almost” relationships are and its rising culture. Most people may have experienced being in these relationships and have felt the confusion of why it is so difficult to overcome these losses. Trying to make sense of what it means can lead to endless unanswered questions, but the first thing to remember is to allow yourself to feel what you feel. Yes, the emotional pain that digs deep into your skin is probably not what you want to experience, but as with any type of losses, being in touch with your feelings is an integral part of grief. Part 2 of this blog series will focus on ways to heal from “almost” relationships. Here are some things to consider while you go through the healing process:
Be Kind to Yourself
You are not a result of the loss. The other person made a choice to not to establish a relationship with you or gave you any closure at all because he/she did not see the value you can add to his/her life, not because you are not good enough. Your friends may tell you to get over the person or question why you couldn’t move on when you barely started a relationship, but there is nothing wrong about feeling sad or hurt. You do not need more judgment about how you should feel. It is not wrong to feel sad or angry about the loss. Even if it never blossomed into an actual relationship, what you actually lost is your hope of a potential relationship.
Go No Contact
No, you are not going to forget about this person immediately. In fact, you might be replaying memories of this person in your head throughout the day. With social media these days, it’s easy to access his/her profile in different platform to see updates and pictures, and spending time on it does not do you any good. Ask yourself this honest question. Does it make you feel any better to see who this person is hanging out with or doing without you in his/her life? It will probably open up wounds and you find yourself back in square one. If you still have this person’s phone number, don’t chase this person. Avoid texting or calling this person. Doing so would probably lead to more hurtful feelings if you don’t get any responses. Making more contacts will not turn things around.
In the case that this person is stringing you along, you should definitely tell yourself that if this person is committed to solidify a relationship with you, it will happen without you jumping through multiple hoops to make it happen. It will only cause more emotional pain and confusion when you spend weeks and months having minimal contact here and there. Having clear cut boundaries will save you from going through the same unhealthy cycle, so delete this person’s phone number, profile, and don’t hop onto social media to check on him/her.
Look at What You Want vs Need
Think of what it is about this person that makes you feel that he/she is a positive addition to your life. Most “almost” relationships don’t allow you enough time to fully get to know the person and what you are fixated on is more of an idea of who this person may be in your life. Did you notice any red flags in the time you spent with this person? Did you meet this person face to face? When you idealize someone, it is easy to overlook red flags. For instance, does this person avoid meeting up with you or does this person avoid sharing details about him/herself? Has this person respected your boundaries? In the conversations you had, did you feel that this person actively listened to what you have to say? If this person passed all that with flying stars and then disappears or tells you that he/she does not want to proceed further in the relationship, ask yourself if you actually need this person in your life. Sure, you want this person to be in your life, but do you want to be with someone who does not want or need you in their lives? It stings to ask yourself this last question, but give yourself some time to let it sink in.
Reflect on Your Self Worth
You’re probably feeling defeated that the thoughts about this person consumes your day. It’s inevitable to avoid the thought of why things cannot be different, but the more you want things to change, the more you’ll feel like you’re suffering. People suffer when they feel that they can’t change something, so what are you left with? Let’s look at things in a different lens. Reflect on what you value about yourself. No matter how beautiful, smart, talented, and great you are; there will always be people who choose not to be a part of your life. You can only radically accept that the hope of having a relationship with this person is not based on what you have to offer. It takes two people to make a relationship grow. If this person left you with no explanation, this shows you that this person is probably not very responsible, is avoidant to resolve problems, or does not know how to communicate with someone respectfully. To simply put it, it’s plain bad behavior. You deserve more than that.
As much as you want to find someone who will value you, don’t lower your standards or jump into new relationships before you’re ready. Healing takes time. Even if your friends tell you that you should go out and meet new people to “get over” this person, it’s ok to do otherwise. It’s important to spend time to think about what your real needs are. Are there other priorities in your life that you haven’t gotten a chance to focus on?
Establish Relationship with Reality
Over time, you’ll see that this person will slowly fade out of the picture. Imagine yourself standing 2 inches away from a painting. What do you see? You’ll see a blob of colors, but can’t make sense of what it is. If you stand 6 ft away, you’ll probably get a better glimpse of what the whole portrait is. You need time to slowly step back from the portrait. The further you stand, the clearer the picture becomes. This is the same with feelings. When you don’t separate yourself from your emotions, it’ll be hard to think rationally.
Lastly, if the person is someone who comes back to your life and repeatedly disappears, but does not give you a clear idea of what he/she wants in a relationship with you, take charge of what you want. Don’t wait for the other person to make false promises or try to figure out what he/she wants. If you find yourself holding on to memories and times that made you feel hopeful, shift your attention to the person’s actions. Actions speak louder than words. As Maya Angelou says:
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
