The Rise of “Almost” Relationships - Part 1

Living in a fast-paced world today we are increasingly consumed by the need to have instant gratification. With the touch of a button on your smartphone you can catch an Uber, make an order through Amazon Prime, or allow google map to give you direction to get from point A to point B. But what about relationships? With advance technology which supposedly connects people together, why are more and more people feeling that it is hard to have a stable, committed relationship these days? Or let’s back up a bit. Before even establishing any committed relationships, there seems to be multiple hoops to jump through and it is inevitable to avoid the confusion as to why a relationship that almost started never move forward.

As people enter adulthood and the working world, the opportunity to meet other people narrows; most likely limited to their social circle or work setting. Lucky you if you are able to meet potential dates and spouses from your social connections, but because of busy work schedule, high workloads, and reduced social circle, people turn to meet others through dating apps. The comfort of choosing people to “like” or potentially meet on a smartphone sounds like a gateway of endless access to finding “the one.” Yet, studies showed that only 12% of the people who met through dating apps end up being in committed relationships. So what about the other 88%?

The definition of dating or being in a committed relationship becomes blurred as the wave of hookup culture makes it easy for people to not settle. What makes it confusing now days is that there is vagueness in what it means to be friends first before establishing a romantic relationship with the other person. The words “hang out” you normally use with your friends translates to probably only having a physical relationship or a relationship without a label. Or likewise there are people who date for weeks or months, then find out that the other person is still actively meeting or “dating” other people. This makes people question if anyone is serious about having committed relationships as there seems to be endless choices. If two people make it through all that, then they have the “exclusivity” discussion to confirm that they become exclusive to each other. But more often than not, the sparks fizzle out after a few dates.

Then there is the phenomenon of meeting numerous people through dating apps or social media and never meeting up in person. Or the conversation plateaus before ever making plans to meet up. For those who end up meeting up, one or both parties may feel disappointed when they realize that there is a lack of chemistry or that the other person exhibits a change of feelings after a few dates. The sudden disappearance, also known as, “ghosting” becomes so common that people become increasingly anxious, frustrated, and distrusting with each other.

Surely, some people easily move on to “select” new people from the touch of a button, but there are always those who question what went wrong. The lack of answers and closure is more detrimental to one’s self esteem and ability to process the loss than a relationship that has a clear ending where both people agreed to part ways. With easy access to jump back into meeting other people, you lose a little more confidence in what comes your way. The thought of why you were not good enough flashes through your mind. You may try to rationalize that if only the other person can get to know you more and see how great you are, things may have worked out. The excuses you make to justify why things ended abruptly or the person disappeared on you keeps you ruminating about the millions of possibilities of how things could have turned out if only you or the other person could try a little harder. You might have tried texting or calling the other person, but each time the lack of response occurs, you realize that the wound gets a little deeper.

So why do people have a hard time moving on from these so called “almost” relationships? Well, the mind can lead you to focus on what you want and that often means that you may have idealize this person and how he/she can become a part of your life. In another words, you probably don’t know this person deeply, but you are wrapped up in infatuation, so the emotions you feel hinders you from seeing the truth. Truth is that maybe this person is not as great as you think. But left with no closure, people tend to fill in the gap with what they want as the reality. It is much more comforting to feel that there may be a fixable reason as to why things didn’t work out than to accept the reality that this person chose not to start or establish a committed relationship with you.

Those who ended committed relationships with a significant other have most likely spent enough time with the other person to see and experience deal breakers and unhealthy behaviors that make it difficult to maintain a stable relationship. A good way to think about this is a person eating a fruit that is sweet on the outside, but perhaps bitter and rotten on the inside. As this person bites further in, the sweetness goes away and only bitterness remains as this person starts eating the rotten part he/she sees. This definitely leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Now think about a person who only took a small bite out of a healthy looking fruit or maybe not even given a chance to taste the fruit. The next second, the fruit is taken away from this person with no explanation. How would this person react? Will this person ever know what the inside of this fruit tastes like?

Unfortunately, people are given more choices these days and combined with their own expectation and need for instant gratification, they meet people, but don’t really necessarily spend enough time getting to know people. And for those who “ghost” people – why do they do it? One of the major reasons is that they have a difficult time communicating effectively, so they rather “ghost” than to tell the other person about why he/she does not want to start or continue a relationship. Other reasons could include that they don’t know what they want or that they have no intention of dating or establishing any committed relationships (without letting the other person know), but enjoys the validation and excitement of meeting new people.

If you have experienced being in “almost” relationships, you are likely wondering how to heal from it. You may hear others tell you to go out there and meet new people again, which is fine if you feel ready; but just like with any losses in life, you need to slow down and allow yourself time to heal. Part II of this blog will focus on healing yourself from these relationships.